Assholes and Jerks

Mom: Dr. A keeps chasing down your cousin for the follow up appointment. He's responsible.
Me: Yeah, I mean, we never said he didn't understand medicine--he's just an asshole.
Mom: What exactly is an "asshole?"
Me: A Pi-Gu-Yen (Chinese literal translation for rectal orifice).
Mom: But what does that mean?
Me: It means he's a jerk.
Mom: What is a "jerk?"

‪#‎LostInTranslation‬

Mom: Why did he say that his daughter "is like a chimp"?
Me: He said "she eats like a champ."

#LostInTranslation

Polar Bear Mushrooms

Mom: i'm making polar bear for you tonight.

me: *long pause*  what?

Mom:  porlaarberras  *holds up a sack*

me: *laughing*  you mean portabellas??

Mom: isn't that what i said?

Apples

Me: Mom, stop. Stop picking apples. We don't have any more space [in our 1/4 peck bags].
Mom: But they're so good! These are the prettiest ones!
Me: But we can't take them with us if they're not in the bag!
Mom: I'll just put it in my pocket!
Me: No!
Phuong: Why not? I have one in my jacket pocket.
Me: "Oh, what do I have in my pocket? An apple? No, no, it's tennis ball." *arches eyebrows* You could stuff some in your bra. Well...I couldn't.
Phuong: *Stuffing apple down jacket* What about now? Can you tell?
Me: Yes. You have triple boob.
Phuong: *adjusts*
Me: That's not going to fit in your bra.
Phuong: I'm not putting it in my bra.
Me: Then it's going to fall out!
Phuong: No, it won't.
Mom: I'll put it in *MY* bra.
Me: No, Mom! Jesus sees EVERYTHING!!

Hakuna-Frittata

Me: Hey, Mom.  Help me break the goat cheese on top of this.
Mom:  What is this?
Me: Frittata.
Mom: Where is it from?
Me: I don't know.  I think it's an American thing.
Mom:  The name sounds African--like the song from the Lion King.
Me: Oh.  My.  God.

Revival of Foot Binding

Mom: Your feet are so wide. 
Me: Genetics.
Mom: No, it's because you're not wearing small enough shoes to make them smaller. You should wear smaller shoes. Keep your feet as narrow as possible.
Me: So, you're suggesting we revive foot binding?
Mom: HAHAHAHA! *smack* You're funny.
Me: *Rubbing bottom* Ow...